


I dont know how to say this

by sebos



Category: supermega, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Falling in love with your best friend, Friends to Lovers, M/M, this is wild anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 01:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10776918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebos/pseuds/sebos
Summary: Falling in love with your best friend is hard





	I dont know how to say this

A slight nudge to the shoulder woke Ryan up from his mid afternoon nap. He didn’t even remember falling asleep in the first place but there was something about an overcast sky that made him sleepy so as soon as he made contact with the couch he passed out. 

“Hey man you awake?” Matt asked, rubbing his friend’s shoulder. Ryan smiled slightly at the touch but made sure his face was still buried in the couch so Matt couldn’t see. 

“Yeah what’s up b?” He asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He was cautious about using the pet name. He and Matt were best friends, maybe even a little more than that but he wasn’t too sure. They had known each other for years but after moving out to LA together and sharing a home together, things seemed to change between the two of them both physically and emotionally. Matt would sometimes hold Ryan’s hand out of the blue which he always accepted and sometimes he would just scoot closer to Ryan when they were on the couch together without saying anything. Ryan felt like he could be reading into it too much and that he was just a desperate lonely asshole so he was pretending that Matt really liked him but they seemed to get even closer as the days went on. Recently Matt had even started calling Ryan names like “b” and “my boy” which made Ryan feel flustered. He had never had a friendship like this before so maybe it was just normal? There was no way Matt would ever feel the same way about him anyway, he was just an ugly sad asshole and Matt could do better. He was brought out of his self-deprecating thoughts by Matt’s soft voice. 

“Banana needs more food so I’m going to the store,” the taller boy said, patting Ryan’s head. Ryan relished the touch and laughed nervously.

“You seriously woke me up to tell me that?” Matt stared at him and furrowed his brow.

“No? I want you to come with me.”

Oh.

Usually when Matt wanted to go get food or do something that didn’t involve Ryan he would just go do it, but recently it seemed like he couldn’t go anywhere without the bigger boy by his side. Like he wanted him with him all the time. Again he was probably just overthinking but god feeling wanted was something Ryan could never get over, he loved it.

“Yeah sure just let me grab my keys,” he fumbled for his keys and followed Matt out the door. He didn’t realize how dark the clouds were in the sky, it was probably going to rain which he wouldn’t mind if he hadn’t forgotten an umbrella. But maybe being stuck in the rain with the boy he adored wouldn’t be such a bad thing. 

The walk to the store was a little bit of a trip but Ryan honestly wished it was longer. As per usual of their time together it was spent with Ryan quietly listening to Matt talk and occasionally chiming in, mostly to crack jokes and make Matt laugh. He didn’t know it was possible to be in love with a person’s laugh but he was, or maybe he was in love with the person that came with it. Ryan didn’t really want to think about that though. He has a few times but really thinking long and hard about it kind of made him feel sick. It was weird being in love with your best friend. You go from just wanting to hang out and be cool one day to wanting to kiss them and doing everything you can to make them happy the next. Whenever Matt hurt, Ryan hurt as well. He wanted to make his friend happy and shower him with affection to let him know he was loved, and of course he could do that just as a friend but he wanted to do a little more than that as well. He liked sitting on the couch and playing videos games, talking about dumb shit and laughing until his head hurt. But he also wanted to lace his fingers with Matt’s bony ones and kiss him, just to see what it felt like. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about what that would feel like. All of this was almost like those stupid romance movies he never understood, the ones about the one friend who is in love with the other but it takes them until the end of the movie to realize it and then they end up together and happy. Except Ryan was sure he was going to spend the next few years pining after Matt until they started dating other people and then he would have to get over it. It sounded pathetic but that’s because he is. Ryan would rather die than ruin their friendship. Sure Matt would most likely be understanding and let Ryan down easy but Ryan would never be able to look at Matt the same way if he told him how he felt. He would forever feel like an idiot. He didn’t handle his own emotions well and it was tearing him apart. 

Ryan didn’t realize how long he had been stuck in his own head until they reached the front of the store and Matt told him he’d be right back. Ryan nodded and leaned up against the side of the building. Sometimes he wished he still smoked so he could ease some of the tension but he had to settle with waiting in agony for Matt to come back. He felt stupid and dramatic, he couldn’t do this to himself forever. But he wasn’t sure what was worse, being in love with Matt and never saying anything and letting it eat up him inside, or tell Matt and be rejected. Both of them hurt and he hated it.

Soon enough Matt came back out with a small bag of cat food in hand, his smile making Ryan feel a little bit better as it always did. 

“Alright my boy I got the goods, let’s go,” the taller boy said, brushing past his friend. Ryan followed Matt as he continued their conversation from earlier. As the two walked they noticed it had started to rain lightly. They tried to ignore it hoping they would make it home before it got too bad but soon enough it was pouring and they had to seek out shelter under a nearby bus stop. 

Ryan sat down on the bench and looked up at Matt. The way the street light reflected off his skin and how the rain made his blonde hair stick to his face made him look perfect. It made Ryan feel sick. He didn’t want to feel this way he just wanted to be normal friends he didn’t want to be in love but he didn’t know what to do. Then Matt did the worst thing he could do at that moment. He sat next to Ryan and made him open his arms so he could snuggle next to his body. Ryan felt his heart beat faster.

“God this sucks, I didn’t even bring a sweater. I’m freezing,” he complained, resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan could feel his friend’s breath on his neck. He tried to level out his own breathing. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like this was a better time than ever to end this. To just ask Matt what was going on between them so he didn’t have to make himself suffer anymore. 

“Hey Matt? Can I say something?” his voice cracked, he wanted to die. Matt didn’t look up from his phone that he was fiddling with but he gave an assuring hum that he was listening. Good, at least Ryan didn’t have to look him in the eyes, that might make it worse.

“I don’t know how to say this. I feel stupid for even bringing this up and it might just be me being too hopeful but you’ve been really affectionate lately. I mean of course I have been too because I thought that’s what you wanted but now I’m starting to question our relationship. I’m sure you don’t give it a second thought and you’re just being nice but it’s been eating me up inside. I don’t want to ruin our friendship but god I just…” Once Ryan started talking he felt like he couldn’t stop and he noticed Matt staring at him from the corner of his eye. Fuck.

“Sometimes I just want to hold your hand when were together, but not as a joke. You make me feel happy and safe. You make me feel whole and I even want to kiss you because I just want to be closer. I understand if you don’t feel the same way but I’ve been getting so many mixed signals and I don’t know what to do..you’re my best friend...” His breath was shaky and he tried to avoid Matt’s gaze. All the cards were on the table and all he could do was wait for Matt to respond. The taller boy just stared at Ryan, the silence was painful and it seemed to drag on forever.

“Hey…Ryan.” He spoke, Ryan closed his eyes and felt his lip quiver. The tone in his friend’s voice made his heart hurt. 

“Ryan please look at me.” Ryan still refused to look, he could feel the heartbreak already. Matt was going to tell him he didn’t feel the same and now things were going to be awkward between them forever. Ryan felt Matt move away from next to him and force himself onto the bigger boys lap. Matt cupped Ryan’s face in his hands making him open his eyes and look at him finally. 

“I feel the same way. I’m sorry I never said anything I just assumed you knew ya know?” Ryan didn’t know how to react, that wasn’t what he was expecting at all. So he just sat there like an idiot until Matt leaned in and gave him a soft kiss. It was quick but it still made Ryan’s head spin. Sure Matt having the same feelings meant they could try dating but what if that didn’t work out? What if after this Matt realizes he hates him and it ruins everything they’ve ever had.

“I’m scared,” he mumbled against Matt’s lips. Tears stung the corner of his eyes. Matt nodded and for once Ryan felt reassured. 

“Yeah, me too. But we can figure this out together. I mean dating is just being best friends but with some kissing thrown in right?” Matt kissed Ryan’s cheek and they both smiled.

Yeah.

Everything will be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it not great i had a hard time writing this for some reason  
> anyway  
> i wanna die bitch !!
> 
> as always comments down below and requests on my tumblr r appreciated
> 
> http://seastion.tumblr.com/


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